i enjoy awkwardness.

a morning prayer.

Lord, i've been feeling really helpless lately.
i feel alone.
i feel frustrated. restless. tired.

i know that You are here with me.
i know that You will never leave nor forsake me.

and i believe that You are using this time in my life to teach me something.
because You are good.

i believe that You are trying to show me something.
because You are good.

i don't want to strive to figure out what Your purposes are.
i just want to trust that Your will is being worked out through me.
because You are good.

i want to be one with You.

i desire to be filled with the Spirit.
pouring out of me the light and love that i do not have on my own.

help me to take deep breaths.
help me to trust You.

You are good.
and for that, i am thankful.

cath...

cath, she stands
with a well intentioned man
but she can't relax
with his hand on the small of her back
and as the flash bulbs burst
she holds a smile
like someone would hold
a crying child

and soon everybody will ask
what became of you
'cause your heart was dying fast
and you didn't know what to do

cath, it seems
that you live in someone else's dream
[that you live in a dying dream]
in a hand-me-down wedding dress
with the things that could've been are repressed
[on the arm of a man you detest]

but you said your vows
and you closed the door
on so many men
who would have loved you more

and soon everybody will ask
what became of you
'cause your heart was dying fast
and you didn't know what to do

the whispers that it won't last
run up and down the pews
but if their hearts were dying that fast
they'd have done the same as you

and I'd have done the same as you

-death cab for cutie.

i'm anxious.

i don't want to be.
but, that rarely changes the fact that i am.

i want to get away.
from everyone.

i want to be done with this part of my life.
i want change.

i'm not content.

i'm prideful.
and angry.
and jealous.
and sad.
and lonely.
and weak.
i am tired, Lord.

i need Your grace.
and Your help.

["...for i seek not to please myself but him who sent me." - John 5:30]

Lord, i have no clue what Your will is, but i pray that it would be done.
lead me. and help me to desire only You.
grant me peace, Lord.

i assume that Heschel's prayer from my last post comes somewhat from this poem.

'As Kingfishers Catch Fire'
by Gerard Manley Hopkins

AS kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies dráw fláme;
As tumbled over rim in roundy wells
Stones ring; like each tucked string tells, each hung bell’s
Bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name;
Each mortal thing does one thing and the same:	5
Deals out that being indoors each one dwells;
Selves—goes itself; myself it speaks and spells,
Crying Whát I do is me: for that I came.
Í say móre: the just man justices;
Kéeps gráce: thát keeps all his goings graces;	10
Acts in God’s eye what in God’s eye he is—
Chríst—for Christ plays in ten thousand places,
Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his
To the Father through the features of men’s faces

lately, i have been trying to gather my thoughts for an artist statement.
in the fall, my roommate and i will have an exhibit up in a local coffee shop.
the two of us traveled around europe a bit this summer and have some photographs we'd like to share.

i haven't really sat down and tried to write an artist statement,
because i don't think i can. at least not yet.
so, whenever i come across words or statements that speak to me, i write them down.

over the weeks, i've tried to collect my random thoughts and various pieces of text,
in hopes of putting together some kind of statement.

sometimes i find it rather silly that i have to write an artist statement.
i don't really know how to explain myself or my photography.
i don't know how to put in words what draws me to a particular moment
that makes me want to capture it.

but, no matter how difficult words and reason may seem to me,
i have been told that i must have this artist statement.

thankfully, i came across a prayer today when i was reading some more of the ragamuffin gospel.
somewhere in the middle of the book, manning shares a prayer of rabbi abraham joshua heschel.
and it's a prayer that, i feel, does a really wonderful job of putting into words what i feel.

"dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of your universe. delight me to see how your Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not His, to the Father through the features of men's faces. each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. i do not ask to see the reason for it all; i ask only to share the wonder of it all."