reassurance.

[i must love the questions

themselves

as Rilke said

like locked rooms

full of treasure

to which my blind

and groping key

does not yet fit.

and await the answers

as unsealed

letters

mailed with dubious intent

and written in a very foreign

tongue.

and in the hourly making

of myself

no thought of Time

to force, to squeeze

the space

I grow into.]

-alice walker.

amidst the turmoil that the questions may cause, i must realize that i am privileged to even have a choice.

a woman is not a potted plant.

[a woman is not

a potted plant

her roots bound

to the confines

of her house

a woman is not

a potted plant

her leaves trimmed

to the contours

of her sex

a woman is not

a potted plant

her branches

espaliered

against the fences

of her race

her country

her mother

her man

her trained blossom

turning

this way

& that

to follow

the sun

of whoever feeds

and waters

her

a woman

is wilderness

unbounded

holding the future

between each breath

walking the earth

only because

she is free

and not creepervine

or tree.

nor even honeysuckle

or bee.]

-alice walker.

[there are moments that we will remember always. we know this as they are happening. there is a subtle light around them. a feeling of a circle being closed. they have a sound that is distinct but indescribable, as they feed something old and weary, something hungry in the soul. there is an urge to laugh, though the joy is heavy with sorrow. they are moments, often, with a long history of longing behind them, of shared suffering and losses. moments that have, as well, memories of happiness, of triumph over evil, of solidarity with irrepressible warriors and a temporary distance from defeat.]

-alice walker.

how easy it is to allow this world to blind me of the Truth.
to be thought of as unworthy.
how easy it is to believe all of the lies.
to ultimately not believe that Your love is good enough.

forgive me, Father.
for being wrapped up in myself.
for believing Satan's lies.
that i am not good.

it is by Your grace that i may repent today. and tomorrow. and the next day.
and be reconciled to You.

it is by Your grace that i am united with You by the Holy Spirit.

you are to be praised forever and ever.

[our God in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name
above all names.
Your kingdom come;
Your will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven.
give us today our daily bread.
forgive us weary sinners.
keep us far from our vices
and deliver us from these prisons.]

today was a little bit harder than usual.
i'm anxious. i'm overwhelmed.

i can't seem to focus on the present.
and when i am, my thoughts are consumed with other places.
anywhere, but here and now.

i can't seem to catch a breath.

where is my heart?
where is my mind?

a friend reminded me of something today:
what consumes our mind and controls are heart is our god.

i'm thinking i should write that on my hand forever,
because i can go days, if not weeks, in this place and never once will that cross my mind.

i know i am here for a reason.
i know God is teaching me.
and changing me.
and breaking me.

but, i can't seem but think that this college lifestyle is only pulling me away from what my life should be centered on.
it definitely makes it harder.

to be told or pressured on a daily basis that your life should be concerned with grades, internships, careers and future plans has always been overwhelmingly discouraging.

Father, i know You're here.
i just need You more than ever.
i need You to draw me close.
i need You to protect me from the lies and confusion in this world.
and i need You to give me the desire to know and love You,
because it is more than obvious that i am weak and blinded without You.

thank You.

Thy will be done on earth, as it is in Heaven.

amen.

[Lord, give me the courage to look at myself,
the honesty to admit my faults and limitations,
the sincerity to try self-improvement,
and the love for You that will keep me at it for the rest of my life.
Let me not be concerned about matters that are beyond my control,
except to petition Your help.
For the rest, let me really live the words:
"Thy will be done."
Amen.]

-prayer from my daily bread.

gainesville bucket list.

1. one more afternoon spent at the farmer's market.

2. a day spent laying in the grass at plaza.

3. book lover's cafe.

4. brunch at the top.

5. many mornings and afternoons on my porch.

6. some biscuits and gravy & rancheros at the jones.

7. bike rides around the wonderful neighborhoods of northeast gainesville.

8. tempeh pizza in the treehouse at satchel's.

9. fires in my fireplace.

10. coffee in my living room.

11. a sunset and/or sunrise at paynes prairie.

12. a day spent in micanopy.

13. a sunday afternoon spent at the mosswood farmer's market.

to be continued...

prayer for the mind of Christ.

"O Lord, our Christ, may we have Thy mind and Thy spirit;
make us instruments of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let us sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is discord, union;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that we may not so much seek
to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen."

-St. Francis of Assisi